How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]