People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one