My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Every time my phone rings
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
rise and shine we got egg
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.