Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?