I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about