My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.