Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
so much to do
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.