[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur