did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
🤣