domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
That’s a good costume, I hope.