Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”