Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.