I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
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i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
unbelievably distressed by this ad
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.