I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.