Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
A double negative is a big no-no.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.