[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.