dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.