The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Important reminders
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…