they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps