you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning