*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Gemma Correll
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
FINE, I WON’T.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.