If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Good advice.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
plant them where lol
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.