An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
A little too much information.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you