Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit