Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’