Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Where’s my employee discount too?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
blocked.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.