[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Mistakes were made
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department