*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
How dramatic are you?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there