got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Seems legit
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree