Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You Might Also Like
🏙👨🏼
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Admin smashed it 😂