I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Here’s a meme
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺