Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The opposite of goth is stopth.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
What flavor cupcake are these
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.