My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals