Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Extremely relatable.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
A roof is a house hat.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.