Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
dutch so unserious
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
How can I say no to this ?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
very niche meme I made
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.