Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
#CatsOnTwitter
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.