there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
*jazz hands*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Free him
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir