[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂