*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
catch me on valentine’s day like
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped