VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
When a shoelace touches your ankle
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!