No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Happy thanksgiving!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
🚲+physics = winner
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.