A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Very problematic
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.