You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife