The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart