can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
#dalle2
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.