Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Meat Cute
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?