Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Why font matters.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”