I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
i want to work in this restaurant
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format