[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.