Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
More like Kate Missington.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Intelligence is the new cleavage
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.